Why “Twilight” BLOWS, and why it’s an insult to the vampire-romance genre.
February 21, 2009This comes from a post (which turned into an essay) I made in a forum I frequent directed at some friends of mine who luuuurv Twilight. Now, these are university students, so they have some sense and actually responded pretty well to it, laughing and saying they actually agreed with me, but they still enjoy the story. Thank god, I was afraid I’d have tears and attacks, the way that some of these 13 year old fan girls seem to be these days. The obsessive dedication of the Twilight fandom frightens me, and that’s coming from a hard core Whedonite. We Whedon fans are rabid, but rarely physical. So, I felt that I had to at least see Twilight to understand it, and my response is posted below. No, being a forum post, it’s not in typical list format and hasn’t really been edited, so its not up to the “literary standards” (HA!) that I normally keep buffylists, but oh wells, I thought it was worth re-posting on here to see if any other die-hard Buffy fans agree with me.
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“…As you’ve seen, I made a lot of fun Twilight and its fans without having actually seen it. The reason I prejudged it was because I have friends who’s opinions I value who had read the books and said that it was awful, that it was written worse than fanfiction.
I have now seen the movie, and being told that it’s pretty faithful to the book, I have to say…it blows. I’m sorry if you like it, but wow, it’s terrible. The whole thing is just…bad. You can say that the book is better than the movie all you want, it won’t change that the concept as a whole is not good.
Complaint #1: This has to do with the movie, so I can’t comment on the book, but it was boring as all hell. The pacing, so painfully slow. The dialogue, cheesy, but not in a good way; just lame. The chemistry between the main characters? Non-existent. But the boredom mostly stems from…
Complaint #2: Isabella Swan is just a terrible lead character. She has NO personality. There is nothing likable about her. She has no flaws, and she has no outstanding character traits either. Listen, I’m a huge fan of the vampire/human romance genre, and this is the first of many unbreakable rule Stephanie Meyers destroys in Twilight: the human must be exceptional in some way, usually in a way that prevents them from having relationships with other humans. Buffy was a vampire slayer, so not only was the whole vampire boyfriend thing forbidden and therefore appealing, but the human guy she dated couldn’t handle that she was stronger than him. Sookie from “True Blood” is telepathic, so she can always hear the nasty thoughts of her human dates, therefore not being able to read a vampire’s minds is relaxing for her. Bella Swan….smells really yummy? And equally inexplicably, her mind can’t be read? I watched the whole movie waiting for something about her to stand out, and there is nothing. The only thing I know about her character is that she seems to be really stupid, because she has no reason to believe that Edward WONT hurt her other than her desire to be with him because he’s “so attractive.”
Complaint #3: Vampires don’t sparkle. I’m sorry, I accept people playing around with the vampire mythology because there really is no official set of rules, but if there was one, Vampires NOT Sparkling would be number one. Why don’t they sparkle in sunlight? Because they burst into flames or melt or get sick. You can vary the vampire myth all you want, but once you change any of the following very simple rules
1. Vampires (are supposed to) drink human blood.
2. Vampires can turn humans into vampires.
3. Vampires are killed by a stake through the heart.
4. Vampires are harmed in sunlight.
you are not in vampire territory anymore. This takes me to…
Complaint #4: There is nothing bad about being a vampire in this world. To be a vampire must mean you sacrifice something. The biggest sacrifice of course is the daytime, but it’s other things like not getting to be around humans that you care about and possibly watching them age and die. Yes, they’ve stuck with the immortality thing, but these vampires seem to have all the strengths without any of the weaknesses that make vampires interesting. It’s like he’s Superman, but there’s no kryptonite. Vampires without consequences = boring and literary failure.
Complaint #5: Their relationship is built on nothing. She’s attracted to his vampireness, and he wants to drain her dry. If he were unattractive, she’d have filed a restraining order because he’s just a creepy stalker. You may argue thats a nice parallel for everyday teen romances, but its nothing to write about. Nothing to get excited over. Nothing to swooooon over.
Complaint #6: James was a shitty villain. There was minimal conflict in the movie up to that point(“I can’t kiss you I might bite you” is pretty much it, and that is minimal), but this was so random, so unnecessary, and so lame, why did they even bother? Oh, yeah, to get Edward to drink from Bella. Meh.
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Anyway, what do you people think. Am I wrong in saying that Stephanie Meyer took one of the most interesting plot-lines, a vampire in love with a human, and completely fucked it up?
Agreed. My friend and I saw Twilight drinking-game style, taking sips of a particularly potent cocktail called “Vampire’s Kiss” for things like, “something sparkles that should NEVER EVER sparkle,” “Bram Stoker rolls over in his grave,” and “someone is attracted to Bella because OMG SO PRETTY WTF HAPPY RAINBOWS.” (I phrase it that way because that’s the phrasing used on the drinking game we found online at a forum called “Not My Brand of Herion.”)
Anyway, #4 was a big issue for me, too. (#3 was pretty close, but I sort of liked the idea of setting things in an almost constantly cloudy area to get around the sun thing a bit. That being said, they still shouldn’t sparkle.) My only real experience with vampire lore is via Buffy, but I liked the good/evil distinctions among vampires in that–that having a soul didn’t mean you had the same burdens, that regardless of that there were gray lines (like Spike helping against Glory or Angel torturing W&H folks, or…uh…Harmony, or Gunn in the Angel comics), and that no matter what else was going on, there was a definite struggle, and definite reasons for that soul/demon struggle.
In Twilight (the movie, at least, I couldn’t bear to read the book), there not only no consequences, there’s not even a clear motive. Why should they want to be “vegetarians”? What makes them so much better than other vampires, particularly if what James & co. are doing is what they’re made to do? In Buffy, you knew: vampires were framed as demons inhabiting a human body, so without any motives to do good, the default was to be ruled by the demon. And I always felt it was made pretty clear that a vampire with a soul really wasn’t the (super) natural way of things.
In this, I couldn’t understand why the heck he’d want to just sit and smell her and have her ride him like a spider monkey. Also, if there are no consequences to being a vampire in this world, why on Earth wouldn’t he transform her? Keeps her safe, they can be together, AND he gets to drink from her at some point, right?
Agreed with your last point and I thought that too. Why wouldn’t he turn her? It’s not like she “loses her soul,” can’t go out in the day, all that good stuff that makes the choice to be a vampire complex and therefore interesting. She’d be the same boring her, except she’d be immortal and invulnerable.
Also, I thought that the constant overcast was mildly smart on the author’s part, but it doesn’t make sense for the vampires to go to school anyway (other than providing a convenient setting in which the two of them meet). They couldn’t sleep during the daytime because they had to go to school, and she had to come up with a way to make that happen. It’s so transparent, I hate it. At least Joss fully admits that the high school is on a hellmouth so they’ll have a monster of the week each episode lol.
Anyway, thanks for your comment; I appreciate the feedback!
You all have great points, points that I’ve brought up, too. However, I wanted to explain something that was questioned above.
I have read the series (because my daughter wrangled me into it), and I found that the story arc is much better over the whole series. The writing is much better in the last two books, also. It is, as I find, the reason that people are so nuts over the series.
The first book is the weakest. Their flaws come out through the later books, as does Bella’s exceptional human quality, the reason Edward won’t turn her (which is her soul), etc.
The success, from what I’ve found, is based solely on the sweet, teen romance plot. The girls love this idea of the perfectly romantic, old fashioned gentleman that Edward turns out to be over the length of the work.
I am not a Buffy nut, but I’m not opposed to the show either. I’m simply obsessed with vampires in general. Still, I can see how the two fans might not mix. Plus, Twilight is far from being a great literary work. It has so many flaws that it could only be this successful in a young adult market, but I can’t say that the entire series, as a whole, is horrible. There are some positives.
But don’t get me started on their baby’s name. LOL.
I agree with most of your points, and, having unfortunately read three of the Twilight books, would add on as well. In away, I sort of feel we are both being unfair in comparing Twilight to Buffy because Twilight is built around twelve year old concepts whereas Buffy is just far more intelligent. Be that as it may, it’s still frustrating, annoying and I couldn’t handle reading the last book, I just got too angry.
I hate the relationship between Edward and Bella. You make an excellent point that it is based on nothing… but her smell, really, now that I think about it. She smelled like she’d taste good. That’s like me falling in love with a carne asade.
They play it off as this Romeo and Juliet love, where they would each die without the other and they pretend that’s romantic instead of co-dependent.
I think your point #4 that there is no downside to being a vampire is very clearly shown in that Bella sees absolutely no problem with wanting to become a vampire, is indeed devastated when Edward won’t make her into one.
This is, in essence, my highest frustration with the book/s and why it/they can never be anything worthy of note. There is no moral value given to human life. You would never *ever* see Buffy want to become a vampire to be with Angel or Spike or whoever she loves because there is a greater value in the protection of human life than her own personal love. That is why Buffy is a hero and Bella Swan is a self-centered child.
As a woman, I find it offensive that this should be the example of love set before children. Yes, give up the very essence of who you are, the core of your humanity for someone that’s really damn pretty. Marvelous.
But yes, to sum up, you’re absolutely right about everything you said and then some.
LOVE! God, just LOVE that was the whole point of the whole story!!!!!!! I love that fudgin book, and I may be a twilight-obsessed-thirteen-year-old, but if your just gonna criticize it back OFF!!!!!!! The movie was bad, I admit that but I mean that book totally ROX!!!!!!!
Point one- The movie was crummy, already said that….
Point two- That is like one of the main points of the story how somebody can love you even though you dont think your that special… It’s also interesting how he loves her.
Point three- All S.M. did was play with the rules, nobody said you couldn’t
Point four- They lost alot I.E. Rosalie’s story, Breaking Dawn…. READ THE BOOKS!!!!!!!
POint five- Maybe so but he was HOT so who cares??????
Point Six- He was MUCH better in the book….. and who liked the movie any way?????
he didn’t bite her because he loved her. They’re vegitarians because they WANT to be different, to not be monsters……
Thank you for reading this, all of you should READ THE BOOKS!!!!!!!
You are a parody of yourself.
I totally agree with complant #2!! Bella is just not an interesting charcter!!! She’s boring, she’s obsessed with Edward so much that she will actually kill herself when he doesn’t want her. She’s just so stupid especially in the second book. She’s a total insult to the heroine community. Buffy could knock her out with one punch without even trying!!
By the way, when are going to update your site? it’s sooo cool!! And where’s a couple of cool topics you could dicuss like who’s the better: Buffy, Faith, Kendra, or Kennedy? Or you could bad mouth Kennedy and explain all the reasons why Tara was a better girlfriend for Willow than Kennedy could ever be!!!
You could list all the popular Buffy couples and why they’re so great!! OOOHH!!! You dicuss which witch is more powerful: Willow, Tara, or Amy! Just think about ok!
When are going to update your site? it’s so cool!! There are so many things you could talk about like who’s the better slayer: Buffy, Faith, Kendra, or Kennedy? Or you could bad mouth Kennedy and explain all the reasons why Tara was a better girlfriend for Willow than Kennedy could ever be!!!
You could list all the popular Buffy couples and why they’re so great!! OOOHH!!! I know!!! You dicuss which witch is more powerful: Willow, Tara, or Amy! Just think about ok!
Wow, i really enjoyed reading that! I think your points/opinions are actually justifiable and based on reasonable support and evidence, unlike some people… >.>
Thanks for posting! =D LOL
I completely agree, Twilight was horrible! The book were stupid and boring and the movie was even worse! My friend made me go see the it and i had to leave halfway through because i couldn’t handle how shitty it was. Definitely the worst vampire series i have ever read.
As someone who has read 3 of the 4 books (damn me and my inability to not finish something I started), I can say with first hand experience that the book(s) are even worse than the movie. In all of the books, Bella is just constantly looking at Edward thinking about how unworthly she is of his love because she’s so ordinary and he’s so extraordinary and blah blah blah. I gotta say that it is pretty annoying that there’s nothing great or even interesting about her, but the author did that to appeal to ordinary girls that some amazing guy can come along and like them, but the she’s tries to make Bella just like everybody else that it just because annoying.
The vampires going to school is pretty stupid too. The excuse for it is for the family to “keep up appearances”, but really, they could pass for graduates. If you ask any teenager, regardless of how much they love school, what they would do if they could live forever it certainly wouldn’t be to attend school.
And don’t even get me started on how stupid that whole they sparkle in the sunlight thing is. After I read that, I gave up on the story ever redeeming itself.
ok as someone who is a college student and loves the books plus the movie i think you should learn to keep ur opinions to urself i mean just cuz you dont like it does not mean it suxs 4 one you said yourself the vampire myth can always be changed and i for one think it is nice to see a vamp come into the sun even if he does sparkle who cares that was always the one thing that pissed me off about Angel and Buffy was he said he could not be with her in the sunlight and that she needed someone who could be if you ask me it’s a nice change to see that bella and edward get to be together in the sun number two how do you know what is good writing im sorry but have you ever wrote a book and gotten it published well i dont think so i mean to come up with 4 books from one dream you had is pretty damn good plus stephanie has gotten great comments from very famous Authors such as J,k rowling and Nora Roberts and you know another thing JOSS WHEDON himself said that her idea was amazing and will change vampire lore forever so you need to actually read the books before you talk..
Somewhat late in the game, but very well-put. (Referring to the author, not the apparent ‘college student’ with atrocious spelling and grammar.)